Hello again everybody, the Padres continue to post the best record in the National League, yet A-Roid’s quest for 600 homers dominates ESPN (Eastern Sports Preferential Network)…in the Sports World!
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A-Rod practicing drawing fouls for the next World Cup
A-Roid was struck on the left hand by a pitch on Sunday and it received more scrutiny than the Zapruder film. I hear the pitcher, Royals reliever Blake Wood, is an anti-Castro Cuban military industrial complex ex-CIA Mafiosi who acted alone.
- Dallas Cowboys rookie receiver Dez Bryant refused to carry the pads for veteran Roy Williams during training camp. This Ryan Leaf-style refusal to honor a harmless ritual will only invite harsher hazing. Bad move, Dez. Now, if Bryant was ordered to carry pads for a WNBA player; that would be different (admittedly, I’ve run a few of those errands for the wife).
- A Tour de France highlight came on yesterday and instead of my eyes wandering to the wall behind the television like they usually do when Tour de France highlights come on, I actually watched the screen and was shocked! Lance Armstrong was stooping over with his bike bib pulled down and he had a gut! Not a Rex Ryan gut, mind you, but a band of fat I didn’t know was possible to exist on Sir Lancelot. The shocking sight was revealed when he was ordered to change out of his against-the-rules-fight-against-cancer-diversionary-tactic-against-the-Landis-grand-jury jersey, and back into his regulation jersey.
No wonder Lance is losing: he’s carrying an extra seven ounces! It makes me think the FRS energy drink advertisement he’s in—the one with Lance pumping iron with abs like Jesus—is a fake!- Then again Photoshop can turn Rex Ryan into Quentin Jammer with no more than a couple of cursor sweeps. Trust me, I know: in real life I look more like Aberforth Dumbledore than the picture above this column. Thank you Craig Elsten!
Meanwhile, in the National Baaaaa…
…sketball Association!
(rimshot)
When diminutive superstar Hornets point guard Chris Paul stands up on New Orleans’ home court, his head is actually below sea level. Keep this in mind if he’s not traded to a bigger market and begins sandbagging it. Speaking of dikes, my favorite sitcom in the 60’s was The Penis Van Lesbian Show co-starring Mary Tyler Moore as Laura Petrie (Editor’s note: Really Chainsaw? REALLY?)
For Entourage fans only:
If fictional super-agent Ari Gold winds up leading a fictional NFL ownership group for a fictional Los Angeles franchise, he would become the biggest fictional tool/goofball/lunatic NFL owner since Jerry Jones (qualifies as fictional by virtue of his face).- And like Jerry Jones, Ari would be great for The League.
- Shawne Merriman was in the boardroom during Ari’s pitch in Sunday’s episode. He had one line and he delivered it well. But why was he there? Would he be a partner? A player? Eye candy? Oh wait, now I remember: this is a completely unrealistic television show wherein Adrian Grenier is cast as an action hero superstar. Was Michael Cera unavailable when they cast that show? If I had to bet $100 on a UFC cage match at Bayside High School circa 1991, I’d put my money on Screech over the modern-day Vincent Chase. But hey, he gets the chicks and that’s all that matters, right?
Oh My!
Craig Elsten -
Chainsaw -
