When we last met I had offered you some water. I hope it was refreshing and enough to sustain you until the publication of Using Eastern Philosophy to Win the War of Attrition: PART II.
Feel free to go back for another drink of the cold stuff… it couldn’t hurt. Now where were we… ah, yes… Antonio Cromartie.
The embattled Cromartie needs to experience a paradigm shift in every aspect of his life. He needs to get his mind right and his priorities strait. Accomplish those tasks and he will achieve the stardom he deserves.
But how does he attain such a personal zenith, simultaneously ensuring the Chargers receive a higher draft-pick in 2011?
I arranged an audience with the renowned Japanese scholar Dr. M. Clark Sugata to discern a prescription for the 26 year-old cornerback’s soul. In my sit-down with the learned Dr. Sugata, he hinted that an amalgam of Confucianism, Zen Buddhism and other far eastern philosophies might just cure what ails the young Cromartie.
Disclaimer to the readers of 619 Sports:
I’ve always found eastern studies to be fascinating but in all honesty their spiritual values are far too esoteric for my western mind to comprehend. I just can’t wrap my mind around the ideas of enlightenment and nirvana… way too abstract.
Because of this admitted difficulty I’ve relied on Dr. Sugata to educate me in such a way that I can relay a cogent message of spiritual health to Antonio Cromartie via his agent Gary Wichard.
I provided Dr. Sugata with a litany of Cromartie’s issues, ranging from his lack of discipline (see: children created and champagne bottles busted) to his inherent lack of commitment while playing the physical game of gridiron football (see: badly missed tackles). After a lengthy discussion with Dr. Sugata a particular concept began to resonate with me. It was Chen Zhen, Dr. Sugata’s interpreter, who translated the following:
“The man of whom you speak has lost his honor. When the Japanese equivalent lost his honor it was of the utmost importance to regain it. A man’s honor is everything and it is what he should strive to maintain.”
Buddha vs. Baby Daddy
While the concepts of Buddhism, enlightenment and nirvana were foreign to my way of viewing spirituality, I found in Dr. Sugata’s emphasis on honor a moral code to which I could relate. The ethic of honor was where Cromartie needed restoration.
Cromartie’s poor personal choices coupled with a complete lack of physicality on the field made me want to continue my inquiry with Dr. Sugata.
What could an individual like Cromartie do to regain the necessary honor one needs to attain success? The answer to this question could have an adverse impact by aiding the Jets… but this is all about the war of attrition and consequently, a necessary gamble in order to continue stockpiling talent next year.
I asked Dr. Sugata how Cromartie could achieve such momentous personal growth and his interpreter Zhen explained it was through the act of seppuku.
I understood this action to be akin to the spiritual cleansing of meditation with its emphasis on ritual and the requirements of determination and discipline to see the task through to completion. This seemed like a foolproof way for a person like Antonio Cromartie to regain the honor he had lost over the previous two seasons in San Diego.
Could it be that simple? While I’ve often spoke ill of Cromartie in the past, he is a human being, and human beings have proven over the course of time to be capable of immeasurable feats of redemption. I want this for Antonio Cromartie… as a fellow human being… and sheepishly as a fan of the San Diego Chargers… who understands the importance of winning the war of attrition
So… Antonio Cromartie… I say to you… spend an afternoon in deep thought in the seated lotus position and give in to seppuku* for your sake and that of your former employer. Without Darrelle Revis on the opposite corner you will need any alternative method that become available… far eastern philosophy and practices could be your salvation.
*I’ve used my burgeoning relationship with former agent and current Padres owner, Jeffrey Moorad, to gain access to Cro’s agent, Gary Wichard. This influence will likely lead to an audience with Dr. Sugata and with that meeting in mind, I truly cannot wait to see Cro’ hit the field this September. I’ve got butterflies…
Avenger-in-Chief is a weekly humor contributor to 619Sports.Net. Check out all his musings on his blog, AvengingJackMurphy.com.
Craig Elsten -
Chainsaw -
